...

Okay-

I am going to post the poem I finished for my literature class. It is not great on any plane, but I know mom wants to read it - and I want to elaborate on it.

This semester has already stretched me in ways I was not anticipating. I walked out onto the beach the first night we arrived here at Murlough House and as I was walking to the end of the sand flats - slowly chasing the tide as it moved out, I felt tears on my cheeks. It wasn't windy, and it wasn't that cold, so I knew they were my tears; tears I was crying.

I felt God in that moment (not in a cliche way)...in a simple way...a way I haven't experienced in such a long time, and so I cried. I cried because I felt ashamed, I cried because I was overcome with joy, and I cried because I knew everything was okay.

I have been struggling with wanting answers in a definite and black and white way for quite some time now. I think whenever you get into higher education and the vast spectrum of arguments and debates are laid out before you - you start to contemplate issues within yourself. I feel this is a crucial period, something that must take place, but it can also be very lonely, because at the end of the day, you have to be okay with whatever YOU conclude - not those things which are concluded for you.

How do you take knowledge and understanding, science and reasoning, spirituality and the holy world and combine them in a harmonious way? It is hard to sift through the pieces when they don't seem to fit. They do fit though, all of the pieces come together, you simply have to turn them the right way.

I realize that in my quest for ultimate understanding I forgot the simplicity and key of all relationships - communication. As I searched, as I studied, as I asked questions and weighed the various answers, I forgot to listen to that whisper, that ever present whisper that has so faithfully guided me for as long as I have been aware.

I heard it though, I heard that whisper when I was at the beach, and I remembered that one crucial element was the element I had been leaving out for far too long now.

So...I am here in Ireland, and I am realizing that this experience has already changed me in ways unexpected...and as this experience continues, I know that I will be molded and refined. Pray for me as this all takes place.

I wanted to post this, because I have been working on transparency. I want to be honest and sincere, bold in my struggles and down falls - I want to be humble.

Here is the Prayer I prayed this morning from The Common Book of Prayers (I picked it up the other day and have been using it in the mornings). I wanted to share this with you because I felt this prayer fitting and then I will attach the poem.

TO our prayers, O Lord, we join our unfeigned thanks for all thy mercies; for our being, our reason, and all other endowments and faculties of soul and body; for our health, friends, food, and raiment, and all the other comforts and conveniences of life. Above all, we adore thy mercy in sending thy only Son into the world, to redeem us from sin and eternal death, and in giving us the knowledge and sense of our duty towards thee. We bless thee for thy pa-tience with us, notwithstanding our many and great provo-cations; for all the directions, assistances, and comforts of thy Holy Spirit; for thy continual care and watchful providence over us through the whole course of our lives; and particularly for the mercies and benefits of the past day; beseeching thee to continue these thy blessings to us, and to give us grace to show our thankfulness in a sincere obedience to his laws, through whose merits and inter-cession we received them all, thy Son our Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.

Diamonds in the Sun

I feel the pulse between my fingers
As I take the pen into my hand
My every breath is labored
How do I write what I cannot understand?
In the tranquility of this moment
As thoughts are sifted through
The only thought that does stand out
Is the thought of You
I hear the tide come in
Feel the breeze it brings about
I see the ocean before me
I see it - How do I doubt?
I have such little faith
I am a skeptic - I always sway
But even in this moment - I hear Your whisper
Constant - It does not go away
You do not speak with clarity
In the confidence that clarity brings
Such a gentle whisper - A simple reminder
Never alone throughout all things
I open my eyes a little wider
See the sand glistening like a thousand diamonds in the sun
Your presence is before me
I am not scared - I will not run
I cannot argue with the feeling that there is something more
I cannot debate my conscience
As I have done before
See - Your voice - It is within me
I did not put it there
Your voice that's growing louder
I hear you - I am aware
And tho I want to argue - Afraid of what I cannot see
Your truth has finally grasped
And claimed even the worst of me

My Love Always,
Kait